random midnight thoughts slash writing
1:30:00 AMbeing myself
thoughts that popped out during tonight's shower
before beginning all this,
did a big reflect on everything that has happened until now
how far we've been through
all the things we've learned
we?
this
couple of weeks I learned so hard on being myself. I can never be
pleased with what kind of person I am, who I really am. I guess,
spiritually speaking, I should known better. but that's not the point,
it's still about how I am seeing myself in front of the mirror, watching
myself after recording snapchats (not that I've been snapping),
deleting posts that I wanted to post before, all that. To be an Esther
Jessica Christian who doesn't have regrets on being herself.
this is the part where I constantly mention myself, it'll to be me, myself and i...
should I start this with another question?
Why do I have to be so harsh on the person I am just because I don't fit in? Oh stop it, if you were adapting yourself on a circle where everyone else is totally different from you from the side of even skin,hair,eye color, until the culture of taking every single joke to be in order and where everything has to make sense...(gee that was long) you'd do anything to become a part of that new circle, society. See, now the problem is there are two types of people adapting: the one that's pulling their ass off to fit in, or the one that stands out by being themselves. and still there are only two answers, two conclusions, two ends yet two beginnings... if the circle where you adapt accepts you, or they don't.
now why am I blabbering again on things that didn't came up on my mind as I shower before?
what I thought was about
me, being myself, accepting myself, and even liking myself!
me, as a 16y.o. teenager who's born brown, played tag under the sun, who was able to be found in the swimming pool for 6 hours and never properly learned how to swim, who learned how to ride a bike after her little sister did, and all things and childhood experiences that I somehow don't regret, because without them I wouldn't be the teenager I am now. and being a young fella that was able to communicate with foreigners in English since primary school, I would never stop being grateful for that.. to grow up around nice strangers that never get tired of giving me tolerance whenever I embarrass them (by that I mean mom's friends), and to grow up around close knit uncles, aunts and grandparents' siblings that always cared me like their own child but played and joked with me like a friend, and to grow up without a father and always felt okay with that... well, I would say I have a pretty descent childhood.
and through those struggling pre-teen years without puberty, I'm not even going to comment about being on the last years of primary school.
now here I am, through humility and fun oh the fun I had...
i didn't regret that I wasn't good enough to be in one of the marching team for the weekly flag raising ceremony, I didn't regret not being good at traditional dancing and joining competitions, I didn't regret not being good at the drums even though I started. I'm okay with things I didn't become...
and also, I definitely didn't regret spending my childhood memorizing every lyrics from the songs in High School Musical and Camp Rock when the other kids around me was busy with their ...uhm, other stuff that doesn't relate to what I did.
and what am I most proud of young me? that people think I was good in english, I suppose. they didn't know that I didn't understand a damn thing about grammar back then. Well, that's just what kids grew up with by learning languages right? (mindblown-ing myself rn) what else? that I didn't have or chasing for boyfriends when I was in 5th grade? i guess a lot of things. small things. but how I got to know, and kept contact with some Malaysian, Indian, and Filipino teenage editors through Cartoon Network Toon Creator was amaaaazing!! it was one of my favorite experience as a kid.
who am I for being myself? what am I? what do I do that I shouldn't be disappointed on myself about?
hmm you know what, if I have a crush on an actor who's an atheist that used to be in jail often times because of drugs but now earns millions of dollars, that is 30+ years older than me since 2012, well that's just what I'm interested into. and else, if I want to squeal in a high pitched tone everytime I see a scene of Pierce Brosnan is singing in Mamma Mia!, I can!!! and if I want to shout "my queen!" everytime I hear or see Meryl Streep on a media, I will do it.
that's just me. yes, I am a nerd. have you ever look up the term "nerd" in wikipedia? it says someone that's "lacking of social skills" ha ha ha.
i'm not a 100% nerd seeing it from the physical appearance though, just described from my hobbies and interests.
for example I would kind-of know what CSS and html are, I wouldn't know how to bloody have (or choose) a cute and neat tumblr blog theme.
I would be interested in physics and math, but doesn't give a shit about make-up.
teenagers these days would listen to grunge/rock/metal/punk, I prefer acoustic pop and indies.
I'd stay home with a book drinking tea, while cool kids would go out to parties, get drunk and stoned
I'm happy with being a nerd and where I as a 16yo through all my experiences, I get to choose my own joy such as
I would really prefer to have a conversation where I can say "well, his name is Robert Downey Jr." and the person who I'm having a conversation with would reply with "well, he walked out of an interview." other than gossiping about some other people that we actually know and facts about them that aren't actually 'facts'. and like saying "oh my god I'm so obsessed with the actress that played as the witch in Into The Woods" and replied with "yeah I know, she played in The Devil Wears Prada as well right?". Such conversations makes me happy, to know that there's a person who's actually know what I'm talking about. To talk to a person that doesn't want to focus on them self and their make-up or hair.
should I start this with another question?
Why do I have to be so harsh on the person I am just because I don't fit in? Oh stop it, if you were adapting yourself on a circle where everyone else is totally different from you from the side of even skin,hair,eye color, until the culture of taking every single joke to be in order and where everything has to make sense...(gee that was long) you'd do anything to become a part of that new circle, society. See, now the problem is there are two types of people adapting: the one that's pulling their ass off to fit in, or the one that stands out by being themselves. and still there are only two answers, two conclusions, two ends yet two beginnings... if the circle where you adapt accepts you, or they don't.
now why am I blabbering again on things that didn't came up on my mind as I shower before?
what I thought was about
me, being myself, accepting myself, and even liking myself!
me, as a 16y.o. teenager who's born brown, played tag under the sun, who was able to be found in the swimming pool for 6 hours and never properly learned how to swim, who learned how to ride a bike after her little sister did, and all things and childhood experiences that I somehow don't regret, because without them I wouldn't be the teenager I am now. and being a young fella that was able to communicate with foreigners in English since primary school, I would never stop being grateful for that.. to grow up around nice strangers that never get tired of giving me tolerance whenever I embarrass them (by that I mean mom's friends), and to grow up around close knit uncles, aunts and grandparents' siblings that always cared me like their own child but played and joked with me like a friend, and to grow up without a father and always felt okay with that... well, I would say I have a pretty descent childhood.
and through those struggling pre-teen years without puberty, I'm not even going to comment about being on the last years of primary school.
now here I am, through humility and fun oh the fun I had...
i didn't regret that I wasn't good enough to be in one of the marching team for the weekly flag raising ceremony, I didn't regret not being good at traditional dancing and joining competitions, I didn't regret not being good at the drums even though I started. I'm okay with things I didn't become...
and also, I definitely didn't regret spending my childhood memorizing every lyrics from the songs in High School Musical and Camp Rock when the other kids around me was busy with their ...uhm, other stuff that doesn't relate to what I did.
and what am I most proud of young me? that people think I was good in english, I suppose. they didn't know that I didn't understand a damn thing about grammar back then. Well, that's just what kids grew up with by learning languages right? (mindblown-ing myself rn) what else? that I didn't have or chasing for boyfriends when I was in 5th grade? i guess a lot of things. small things. but how I got to know, and kept contact with some Malaysian, Indian, and Filipino teenage editors through Cartoon Network Toon Creator was amaaaazing!! it was one of my favorite experience as a kid.
who am I for being myself? what am I? what do I do that I shouldn't be disappointed on myself about?
hmm you know what, if I have a crush on an actor who's an atheist that used to be in jail often times because of drugs but now earns millions of dollars, that is 30+ years older than me since 2012, well that's just what I'm interested into. and else, if I want to squeal in a high pitched tone everytime I see a scene of Pierce Brosnan is singing in Mamma Mia!, I can!!! and if I want to shout "my queen!" everytime I hear or see Meryl Streep on a media, I will do it.
that's just me. yes, I am a nerd. have you ever look up the term "nerd" in wikipedia? it says someone that's "lacking of social skills" ha ha ha.
i'm not a 100% nerd seeing it from the physical appearance though, just described from my hobbies and interests.
for example I would kind-of know what CSS and html are, I wouldn't know how to bloody have (or choose) a cute and neat tumblr blog theme.
I would be interested in physics and math, but doesn't give a shit about make-up.
teenagers these days would listen to grunge/rock/metal/punk, I prefer acoustic pop and indies.
I'd stay home with a book drinking tea, while cool kids would go out to parties, get drunk and stoned
I'm happy with being a nerd and where I as a 16yo through all my experiences, I get to choose my own joy such as
I would really prefer to have a conversation where I can say "well, his name is Robert Downey Jr." and the person who I'm having a conversation with would reply with "well, he walked out of an interview." other than gossiping about some other people that we actually know and facts about them that aren't actually 'facts'. and like saying "oh my god I'm so obsessed with the actress that played as the witch in Into The Woods" and replied with "yeah I know, she played in The Devil Wears Prada as well right?". Such conversations makes me happy, to know that there's a person who's actually know what I'm talking about. To talk to a person that doesn't want to focus on them self and their make-up or hair.
oh damn it, look at the time. I spent two hours on writing and cutting this..this.. thing. on a tuesday midnight!
might as well really go to sleep now. my brain isn't functioning anymore to write in any language. oh look the sentence i just wrote didn't grammatically make sense
i don't know what's the moral of this story / post or whatever, i didn't write an ending
but idk, lets close this with a song...
Reindeers are better than people
Sven, don't you think that's true?
Yeah, people will beat you and curse you and cheat you Every one of em's bad, except you
But people smell better than reindeers
Sven, don't you think I'm right?
That's once again true, for all except you, you got me. Let's call it a night
Good night. Don't let the frostbite bite
i forgot why it meant so much to me that I posted this as a facebook note and not a blogpost. I want to easily find and read it, so I'm putting it here now.
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