being myself

thoughts that popped out during tonight's shower

before beginning all this,

did a big reflect on everything that has happened until now

how far we've been through

all the things we've learned

we?

this couple of weeks I learned so hard on being myself. I can never be pleased with what kind of person I am, who I really am. I guess, spiritually speaking, I should known better. but that's not the point, it's still about how I am seeing myself in front of the mirror, watching myself after recording snapchats (not that I've been snapping), deleting posts that I wanted to post before, all that. To be an Esther Jessica Christian who doesn't have regrets on being herself.

this is the part where I constantly mention myself, it'll to be me, myself and i...

should I start this with another question?

Why do I have to be so harsh on the person I am just because I don't fit in? Oh stop it, if you were adapting yourself on a circle where everyone else is totally different from you from the side of even skin,hair,eye color, until the culture of taking every single joke to be in order and where everything has to make sense...(gee that was long) you'd do anything to become a part of that new circle, society. See, now the problem is there are two types of people adapting: the one that's pulling their ass off to fit in, or the one that stands out by being themselves. and still there are only two answers, two conclusions, two ends yet two beginnings... if the circle where you adapt accepts you, or they don't.

now why am I blabbering again on things that didn't came up on my mind as I shower before?

what I thought was about

me, being myself, accepting myself, and even liking myself!

me, as a 16y.o. teenager who's born brown, played tag under the sun, who was able to be found in the swimming pool for 6 hours and never properly learned how to swim, who learned how to ride a bike after her little sister did, and all things and childhood experiences that I somehow don't regret, because without them I wouldn't be the teenager I am now. and being a young fella that was able to communicate with foreigners in English since primary school, I would never stop being grateful for that.. to grow up around nice strangers that never get tired of giving me tolerance whenever I embarrass them (by that I mean mom's friends), and to grow up around close knit uncles, aunts and grandparents' siblings that always cared me like their own child but played and joked with me like a friend, and to grow up without a father and always felt okay with that... well, I would say I have a pretty descent childhood.

and through those struggling pre-teen years without puberty, I'm not even going to comment about being on the last years of primary school.

now here I am, through humility and fun oh the fun I had...

i didn't regret that I wasn't good enough to be in one of the marching team for the weekly flag raising ceremony, I didn't regret not being good at traditional dancing and joining competitions, I didn't regret not being good at the drums even though I started. I'm okay with things I didn't become...
and also, I definitely didn't regret spending my childhood memorizing every lyrics from the songs in High School Musical and Camp Rock when the other kids around me was busy with their ...uhm, other stuff that doesn't relate to what I did.

and what am I most proud of young me? that people think I was good in english, I suppose. they didn't know that I didn't understand a damn thing about grammar back then. Well, that's just what kids grew up with by learning languages right? (mindblown-ing myself rn) what else? that I didn't have or chasing for boyfriends when I was in 5th grade? i guess a lot of things. small things. but how I got to know, and kept contact with some Malaysian, Indian, and Filipino teenage editors through Cartoon Network Toon Creator was amaaaazing!! it was one of my favorite experience as a kid.

who am I for being myself? what am I? what do I do that I shouldn't be disappointed on myself about?

hmm you know what, if I have a crush on an actor who's an atheist that used to be in jail often times because of drugs but now earns millions of dollars, that is 30+ years older than me since 2012, well that's just what I'm interested into. and else, if I want to squeal in a high pitched tone everytime I see a scene of Pierce Brosnan is singing in Mamma Mia!, I can!!! and if I want to shout "my queen!" everytime I hear or see Meryl Streep  on a media, I will do it.

that's just me. yes, I am a nerd. have you ever look up the term "nerd" in wikipedia? it says someone that's "lacking of social skills" ha ha ha.
i'm not a 100% nerd seeing it from the physical appearance though, just described from my hobbies and interests.
for example I would kind-of know what CSS and html are, I wouldn't know how to bloody have (or choose) a cute and neat tumblr blog theme.
I would be interested in physics and math, but doesn't give a shit about make-up.
teenagers these days would listen to grunge/rock/metal/punk, I prefer acoustic pop and indies.
I'd stay home with a book drinking tea, while cool kids would go out to parties, get drunk and stoned

I'm happy with being a nerd and where I as a 16yo through all my experiences, I get to choose my own joy such as
I would really prefer to have a conversation where I can say "well, his name is Robert Downey Jr." and the person who I'm having a conversation with would reply with "well, he walked out of an interview." other than gossiping about some other people that we actually know and facts about them that aren't actually 'facts'. and like saying "oh my god I'm so obsessed with the actress that played as the witch in Into The Woods" and replied with "yeah I know, she played in The Devil Wears Prada as well right?". Such conversations makes me happy, to know that there's a person who's actually know what I'm talking about. To talk to a person that doesn't want to focus on them self and their make-up or hair.

oh damn it, look at the time. I spent two hours on writing and cutting this..this.. thing. on a tuesday midnight!
might as well really go to sleep now. my brain isn't functioning anymore to write in any language. oh look the sentence i just wrote didn't grammatically make sense
i don't know what's the moral of this story / post or whatever, i didn't write an ending
but idk, lets close this with a song...

Loneliness is my enemy. But I keep my enemies close. Through writing, I can finally feel secure about me being myself for myself to myself as myself talking about myself. It's sad to realize how much of a self-centered person I am. But through reading my own writings (which are mostly about myself) I become more and more insecure about myself, especially the writings themselves. And how they suck. Horribly. I feel like taking most of my posts back into my blog drafts, and keep it for myself only, but I don't want to live in regrets. Through this media, I am trying to be a more open person. People can read me here. Although I don't brag myself (this blog) in most people's faces. I'm trying ever so hard not to. Maybe I often fail.

I'm a sad person.

Pitying myself is my daily routine. My resolution this year is so far mainly to boost my self-esteem. I cannot forgive myself for a lot of things that happened. Though I accept the past, I still sometimes live in it, to be sure that I don't do the same thing in the future. What the hell is present?

I write but I'm not good at it…

I write but then I read it for myself.

Because I am by myself.

I don't want company, I just don't want to feel lonely any more.

I think I am alone, and I am okay.

And for that, I am a sad person.

I got the opportunity to spend 10 days on a quite famous town-island in Indonesia. and this is my story:)

We went there by plane, (because just to reach east Java by car or even train would take a day. not to mention still having to cross over Bali to reach NTB.) it was an hour trip on a perfectly sunny day. We booked for Lion Air, but we got to Batik Air somehow.

The flight was really okay, slept through most of it, but we did had lunch 2700 meters above sea level (i'm making this up lol). Arrived in Praya, Lombok on schedule.

Arrived just in time for a gorgeous sunset and surrounded with only kilometers of greens. Found out recently that the International Airport in Lombok was moved from the capital city Mataram, to somewhere in the center-south Lombok area called Praya due to the fullness in Mataram.

Without visiting the beach at all, we headed to a town in the north (sea-side, ofc) called Krandangan straight away with a very friendly driver (Pak Uki) from the villa which picked us up at the airport. Two-hour car ride, it was "pitch black", we barely see the sea. But I can definitely feel it, especially at night, ah, felt like heaven to be back on an island.

Mas Abit introduced the rooms, we had the house no.1 from The Riverside Villas. Unpacked shortly, and we went for dinner in town...Senggigi.

The Riverside, ran by Pak Rocky, owns it's own restaurant/café not far from the villa. With only a 10 minute car ride (also offered from the villa) we had to wait a little bit until there's a table available for 7 of us. Definitely and delightfully stuffed. I mean, fresh grilled fish of choice! The best, ever. The restaurant had both Indonesian and Western menu. Ate, paid, then got a car ride back to the villa.

I shared my room with my usual bedmate, the big sister, Kakak Iyut. Whilst Kezia shared the room with Opung, their room had a cable tv! It was easy to swap bedmates though. :)

Anyway, I'm trying my best to keep this a short post.

The next day started with breakfast at the villa, and right away to the nearest beach! Very, very, exciting. We walked across the street a little bit and...

...the vacation started! Woohooo for laying on the sandy beach facing the sea with a good book and family!! The sea wasn't the greatest, due to the huge rocks and dead corals. But it was very enough with the sand and clear sky:)

Shortly, this happened...

Pictures are number two whilst on vacation, right? And being in a tropical country, of course I brought my sunnies with me! I guess because of the dry weather or something, (i mean, it's a kind-of-cheap sunglasses) it broke! It was just so 'fragile' when I touched it. Bye-bye 5€ from eBay hipster sunglasses :(

We spent the first day mostly to really enjoy the beach. So happy, blessed to be on a vacation with my complete sisters (and Opung, ofc)!

This was how excited I was. CUDDLES WITH MY BITCH BY THE BEACH YAAAY!!

 

 

After the photo sessions are done, we were sitting inside a small "hut"? Eating whole coconuts:)

 The next thing I know, our eyes met the first by-the-beach sunset this year. :')

Beautiful Indonesia, you never fail to make me fall in love again and again with you.

Without realizing, I'm getting more and more tan. Only because of the photo sessions, ouch! Don't even wonder, most of the times sunscreens just don't work. But check out our view! I tried the pool the next morning.

 

Pissed off of how tan I already turned after a day, I only stayed under the shadows that day. While Kezia, always enjoyed the sea and not caring about her skin colour even a little bit. She always put fun #1.

Kakak Iyut & Kezia went snorkeling a little while, and Tara chilled in her sick sand-ride watching her sisters from her towel cover. She refuses to get sunburnt! I literally only took naps and photos. Ew for the sun. (sometimes)

 I forgot to mention, we were on Mangsit Beach that day, which was the second next beach to Krandangan, since it was more sort-of touristic, and had clearer sea.

The idea was "Kak, please take a picture of me here! I haven't got a nice pic of me at all today!"

We walked back to the villa by the beach through Coco Beach, Krandangan that evening.

(THIS POST HAS GONE WAY TOO MUCH DETAIL. OKAY I'M REALLY GOING TO CUT IT NOW.)

 There isn't a day without having to watch the sun setting down, who would miss that sight? It always ended our day beautifully.

Other than that, we also visited a lot of temples during our visit in Lombok.

Lombok's population is mostly Muslim (well, like the most Indonesia part is populated with Muslims.) and it got it's title of "the island of 1000 muslims". But, because it's located as a neighbor island from Bali, it already makes sense that there are alot of temples around.

I'm closing this post with those sunset-silhouette pictures, i'm totally in love with them and for the guitar one, just stay tuned for what will be coming from us :))

I'm so happy to reminisce while writing this post. I thank God for all the chances I can take, I thank all the media He used, I thank everyone who supported me through, while I'm making this post. and I thank YOU, for reading it! aw, all the happiness!! See, I'm smiling :''''')))

tampiaseh, Lombok 2015!!

(that's "thankyou" in Sasaknese.)

Mulai dari mana ya? Orang.  Tapi bukan sekedar dua-tiga suku kata sebelum digabungkan dengan -utan. Melainkan manusia. Kalo bicara tentang orang, yang muncul di pikiran bukan orang-asing. Bisa aja gambaran kepadatan orang-orang yang sedang berjalan di jantung kota tidak beraturan di sekelilingmu yang muncul. Bisa aja hal lainnya yang muncul, peluangnya ngga terbatas...walaupun pikiranmu bilang hanya beberapa. Kenyataanya apa? Denger kata "orang", (bukan "kata orang" ya) dan yang muncul di pikiranmu (atau setidaknya yang di pikiran saya/gue/ku) adalah orang-orang terdekat. Manusia yang menjadi keluarga, teman, kenalan, siapapun yang sudah ikut campur dalam hidupmu, yang pernah bermain peran di dalamnya.

Orang-orang ini, mau yang "baik" mau yang "engga"... Punya banyak makna. Entah maknanya secara "baik" relevan ke dalam hidup atau "engga". Mereka membuat sosok "orang lain" belajar. 

Kalo mau bicara "baik" dan "tidak baik" atau "baik" dan "benar", saya teringat seorang supir GoJek bernama depan Joel dan bermarga Nainggolan. Kenapa supir GoJekpun bisa bermakna buat saya? Ramah-tamah orang Indonesia emang bener-bener dah. Bapak, abang, om, tulang Joel ini, dengan usia 35 tahun bisa mendoktrin saya bahwa di balik baik itu selalu benar. Tergantung manusia kembali, melihat ketentuan baik ini sejauh atau seluas mana.

Orang-orang yang paling bermakna di kehidupan saya sejauh ini tidak lebih dari 11 dan saya bisa menamakan mereka semua, yaitu mereka, gabungan dari keluarga dan orang paling berpengaruh untuk pembangunan karakter saya sejauh ini. Hal yang kembali indah adalah justru untuk mendapat kesempatan melihat orang-orang ini berkembang lebih maju lagi, atau bahkan untuk melihat mereka jatuh, namun juga membantu mereka bangkit atau lebih indah lagi, melihat mereka bangkit untuk dirinya sendiri. Mereka adalah daftar orang-orang yang saya rindukan untuk bertemu kembali setelah kehidupan berakhir, ironis bukan?

Lebih dari bersyukur untuk bertemu dan berkenalan dengan banyak orang dengan karakter mereka masing-masing. Semuanya unik, semuanya ada baiknya yang bisa diambil. Hidup itu belajar. Belajar untuk selalu bisa menjadi lebih baik. Bukan sempurna. Tapi lebih baik. Karena lebih baik adalah melewati apa yang sudah berlalu yang buruk dan tidak jatuh kepada hal yang menjerumuskan kenegatifan yang sama. MONG APASILU THER

Nyatanya apa, ngga semua orang "baik" yang membuat lo berkembang. Benar untuk menetapkan bahwa mereka membuat lo belajar. Pasti. Semua orang membuat kita belajar. Tapi beberapa orang justru menolak untuk belajar. Belajar adl pilihan yang ngga bisa dihindari, dan belajar juga keputusan yang sudah selayaknya diambil. Nah balik lagi ke topik, kalo cerita tentang orang yang tidak "baik"? Banyak bukan? Sakitkah semua pengalaman itu?

Bukan benar atau salah yang penting, melainkan bagaimana seorang meresponinya.

Kata ganti (pronoun dalam bahasa inggris) "-nya" di sini bisa berarti apa aja: situasi-kondisi, topik percakapan, sifat, kata benda, suatu subjek. Intinya, kalo lo ditimpa sama si "nya" ini dalam hidup, cuma ada di tangan lo mau buang-buang waktu untuk menghakimi itu benar atau salah, atau meresponinya, entah benar atau salahpun respon lu. Because, who decides right and wrong? Life. Life always decides.

Gue suka bercabang kalo nulis. Topiknya orang, bukan hidup. Mungkin gue harus ganti judulnya sekarang, hm.

Hari ini gue belajar bahwa banyak orang dalam hidup gue yang peduli sama gue. (dan sadarlah, banyak orang yang peduli sama hidup lo juga, kok.) Namun justru gue yang ngga sadar akan kehadiran mereka. Gue yakin semua orang pernah mengalami situasi seperti ini. Tapi lebih lagi tentang orang, gue juga belajar bahwa ngga semua orang baik akan ada bersama lo. Mereka "orang baik"nya orang lain juga. Atau mereka butuh "orang baik" untuk diri mereka sendiri juga, atau mungkin mereka dalam pencarian si orang tersebut. Dan orang-orang yang setia menemani lo, mereka juga punya hidup. Kerjaan mereka ngga menemani lo doang.  Percayalah bahwa Tuhan menempatkan setiap orang di hidup lo dengan tujuan mereka tersendirinya.

Lebih lagi, di penghujung celotehan gue kali ini... gue belajar bahwa setiap orang harus menjadi suatu sosok orang dengan karakter tertentu untuk orang lain.

"Give life character." kalo kata Lilly Singh.

Selamat menjadi orang    .

.

.

orang baik?

orang benar?

atau bahkan orang jahat?

orang hebat?

orang yang tidak biasa?

orang biasa?

.

.

Selamat.

Karena kamu hidup.

dan kamu hidup sebagai orang. :)

Hello, what's up, internet?

This is going to be my first post back from my summer back-home/Indonesia trip 2015.

without any further a do, we should really get it started.

Regrets.

The past month, until very recently actually, I have been experiencing a lot of regrets. Yeah, I really regret a lot. One thing for sure, there's a saying that we often regret the things that we didn't do than the things we do. and I'm not saying I completely agree with that, but neither do I think that's incorrect. Things happens for a reason. maybe things don't happen for a reason too.

Regrets on the things I do.

this happens often times and it's a very huge problem for me on myself. As a teenager who really enjoys gathering experiences to become a better person who's more mature with a better character, I force myself to always believe that every thing that I experience is a very useful lesson. and life itself is about learning. One cannot refuse to stop learning, it's already a fact we can't deny. You observe things and you learn from it, for yourself. Life is learn. Learn to be ____, you fill in the blanks. I'm sure we always come up with a lot of things, and that's just the beauty of a human brain. and anyway, about regretting the things I do, it's kind of easier for me to let it go. because things happen and there's nothing you can do about it. Present always become past. What's done is done, but what's next is to not repeat what you're going to regret again. Tenses (as a noun, gramatically) forms a circle that doesn't stop.

Regrets.

on the things I didn't do.

let's just say, people make mistakes. and not doing mostly good things is one most of them. What is your purpose in life, if you only waste time to do nothing? The glory of the Lord needs to be spread for the people to know and the church of God to be build! (omg, here it goes.) Haha, what I'm saying is, life is not about you and how you live it for yourself. It's about how you live it, for the goodness of the Lord, in which it goes perpendicular (it's a term for 90°ness or visually like an upside down T. do you see it?). By that, I mean you live for God but practically is how it affects to other people too! Life only ends with death, and as a believer, there's going to be an afterlife. And you better get your stuff together for afterlife than something only temporary. Gather those fruits, be a blessing. this is a very well note-to-self.

there's another one,

regrets on the things I planned to do but didn't do.

"the only thing in life that is worth fighting for is happiness." this is of the many quotes that I hold on to. You only live on earth once. Why not make this opportunity worth while it last? Happy can be earned from doing fun stuff. Fun is relative, people have each their own "fun" and "happiness". The Authority hopes us to have "fun" through some very Christ-activity. But during our time learning (living), I think it's fair enough if we enjoy it as we can, we play it in our own rules for a short while, to feel and to learn on our own way. When actually Someone is under control. Now the main reason I'm writing about regrets at all is because of this worst stage of regrets. The planned but didn't do. This post was supposed to be a full-rage-filled story, in which I actually thought better to make a vlog out of it. Or then through literature express an unspoken rage behind a story. It turned out like this, see? Planned but didn't do. I don't regret it this time though.

My own happiness, this is concerning me back from my vacation. And this time, this regret is NOT DOING A BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING SPREE WHILST IN JAKARTA. Damn, it hurts worse when I keep thinking and talking about it. Stationary hauls are the worst(best) :(

anyway,

this is what happens when I pause during writing. I just stop a few minutes after continuing it. okay I'm done. Hope you enjoy this uncategorized post.

Thankyou for reading..

I'll be writing and posting cute stuff with pictures more. Hooray.

(hopefully in Indonesian and German, but mostly Indonesian. since my readers grow there, YAELAH.)